undulatingdream

really need someone to talk to me and cheer me on..
P is not enough. he is just barely human :P joking
i am sure if i had a 10 yr old brother..he can provide the same level of companionship as P can

LOL need. more. deeper. conversations. with. friends.
i really dunno if P is my friend or if he treats me like one.
i cant even tell if he likes me as a person...at times la
sometimes its so hard to read guys' thoughts..not like girls when u noe it if they like u
i want a friend whom i can whine to. L used to be the one i talk to all the time. but now he is prob out.
why cant guys be frens for life? why do they keep walking in and out. i guess most of them have an agenda.
i rest my case that there's no such thing as platonic relationships between boys and girls..
need to whine abt my hardwork and how it has not paid off just yet..
and tomorrow is gonna be a long day..plus the day after tomorrow as well. in fact this enire week is pure madness.!!!

i want time stretcher machine..or the clock that can turn back time..i want a boyfriend whom i can talk to..abt all my hopes fears and things that excite me, frighten me, touch me, inspire me, motivate me..all things bright and beautiful that you probably cannot ever see..or simple have no time/cant be bothered to notice.

at least i am done with pharm..now its back to work!!

bleak prospects ahead..i must get everything straight..i miss my family..i must study hard because i have no choice..
1. we are poor (can't really afford a cam education but i am too insistent on coming)
2. we are not native to the country..no family background no nothing
3. thats enough reason for me to work my socks off..but still i must add..i am not cool
4. i am not very smart
5. i am too thin..not hot
6. i am too lazy/selfish
7. too vain too superficial..forgot abt ur grand plans?
8. you don't belong to this social class..go home and sweep the floor
9. not a true believer..thats almost a sin

can't get enough reasons to lay low..but then again..i can never stand not being in the spotlight or near to the happy crowd..JUST want to blend in so much..so useless..too weak in spirit..please can God help me get out of this really bad phase..really need a break from this trend..

who would want to be my friend. for everything i appear to be (that might attract them) is just a facade. except do not forget i have a heart, passion, love, thoughts, intelligence and more..i want you all to like me for who i am (though who i am is not too likable) not for what i appear to be (rich, cool, sg) which i am not at all. if you would look below the surface, just by staring a lil harder, you will see me as myself, and i pray for some one lovely to find that "me". you will see a girl who is super insecure, quite bright, insightful, friendly, optimistic, forgiving, and loyal. you will see some girl that you would not mind spending your life with, because she would be grateful to be appreciated and understood. .

why not just embrace ur inner self? what's stopping you? Maybe..vanity again..why do i pretend. to be who i am not..i am going schizo

D, J, P, Bk, Yc, Vk, K, N so many that i got to know..but then..none will be the one..how many more ppl will walk into my life? none perhaps..i am just going to forget abt all my pain..and press on...and what abt L, M and who else..no chance too..haha

this is such a messy entry..


 
don't feel anything for anyone..you are so not falling into the same cycles over again

Well I am about to embark on what is know as the "best time of your life" well really hoping that it will be as good as it sounds! shrugs..i have severe doubts on that but lets see how things turn out!

Really am dying to go overseas for reason number one is that i want to live independently so badly instead of being terrorized and controlled by my dear mum all dayyy..can't imgine having to stay in singapore for uni..it will be almost a recipe for disaster, either family tragedy or self distruction. anyway this reason alone is enough to send me scurrying for the departure gate at changi airport..well seriously i dun dislike them at all, its just that no one can endure the kind of life that i am leading, and my lack of freedom and choice.

guess i am heading for a tough time at cambridge but oh well life sucks anyway and it beats living here any day! my college mates all seem pretty nice and well personally i am rather worried about social acceptance..as i surveyed my batch of school mates i don't know the exact niche i belong to..so maybe i will be a loner or drifter..who cares..all i care about is bringing home the degree and maybe a good guy =) but the latter is slightly more difficult than the former..well blame it on my height..still cant find anything good about being so tall except for reaching out for top shelves, breathing fresher air and getting noticed/caught sooner than others..apart from that my height brings about several calamities e.g. bad posture, lack of suitable clothes and the worst of all - lack of choices of guys! darn..i can only oogle at nice guys who are shorter than me..and knowing that the height difference is insurmountable..sadly..so..height makes me less chio also right..coz less guys can choose me so general opinion and market demand will drop..causing my appeal factor to drop too..

then why are models all so hot..must find out what it is about them that i lack

that aside, i am feeling very tired at trying to make new friends at every single new social event or gathering..it is getting wayy out of my capacity and i really just want to relax and talk to those that i am more familiar with..wonder what will life be like if i go overseas..probably even worse since i will be totally new there..

if there were any regrets that I have, it would be my hobbies that I have given up.
I have always believed in the idea that I had absolutely no talent in ballet, and therefore I should be not very good at it..
It's true. I have a tight Archilles tendon and probably hamstring as well, not to mention mild genu valgum at the knees and slight internal rotation of the hips..What's more I am too tall (and have a poor posture) to be a ballerina and I have no arch at all at my feet! all that problems compounded to give me a very difficult and trying time at ballet..
furthermore, I am a very lazy person :P who can't really take the inhuman stretching exercises and the only time I stretch is probably before my lesson..
but how I love the dance..I enjoy watching it, listening to the music, basking in the beauty of it! and learning it also gives me joy..but I can't excel in it at all even after 11 years of learning..each step and movement don't come to me naturally..I have to be taught, practise and corrected by my teacher in order to master each new step..How sad..

But I love it nonetheless. I can't help but to feel a sense of loss that when I go overseas, it is unlikely that I will continue with my lessons :( Afterall, studies come first..but I will always feel this affinity towards ballet, which is arguably the most difficult and most precise dance ever..

Another thing will be piano..now I don't have enough time to talk about it but I know that i have slightly more talent in piano than ballet but sadly I am still very lazy and practise very little..haha therefore I barely passed my grade 8 (clearly talent alone wasn't enough) I do hope that I can put in more effort and become more dexterious in my fingerwork..maybe one day I can finally master some real masterpieces..did I tell you that I love music very much also? :):) 

LOL now I sound quite loser..but nobody knows anyway! its not a sin to fail or to suck at something right? anyway i don't suck THAT much la I am just too modest :D

haha enough rubbish I got to go! what is exanimate?!?!

And once in a while i think about all of them..all these people who have once walked carelessly into my lives and made me an entirely different person =) 
life will go on but the indelible marks that these people have left behind will never be forgotten by me..it applies to you, you, you, you and yes you also..all of you..

I am sounding like some sentimental old woman..that's it MAN no more no more..
this is utterly loserish and disgusting
clearly i am still immature as before..I totally don't sound anything like a 20 year old
WHAT THE SHIT..

GROSS GROSS GROSS..

in my sleeping dreams it all falls apart
in my waking dreams there is no "it" and hence no "apart"

And I was so happy to be free from work a few days ago and now I am dying of boredom and restlessness
maybe I really ought to keep myself busy all the time so that my mind will not wander too much
what is on my mind right now? I don't quite know it myself..all I know that i am befuddled obfuscated and absolutely bewildered
now I really want to have the peace of mind to know that what I am doing now is correct..and the risk that I am taking is not too risky =/
it seems that I have no sense of responsibility and I am the greatest procrastinator in the entire world
now those personal traits don't exactly make a good physician, do they
i must try to eradicate those negative traits and expel all negative thoughts (can you feel my aura of positivity?)
This is something that i have wanted to do all my life..isnt it..and hence i should not doubt myself and my own intentions at all
but again, I know that vanity played a small part in influencing my decision..
and that is quite horrifying..especially to think that in order to satisfy this small vanity of mine, I have to give up my stake on every other form of vanity
if you know what I mean..its an entirely different level altogether
while my peers can enjoy life to the fullest..I will slog on and persevere in an attempt to bring home the glory and the degree..
a honorable degree that is matched by an equally respectable amount of school fees..how befitting =(
i feel ashamed that until this day, I am still depending on my parents to foot for my school fees and living expenses..
i am so useless! -.-

I think I worry too much and I am way too self-centred..
and by the way if you havent noticed
I am a weird person :(

I really miss those days when I was younger and more childish
somehow the world seemed more perfect and everything was rosier..
the word "rosy" is so sweet..just like how some words are really ugly..like.."ugly"
or is it just my perception? I am being incoherent =X

maybe this is because I am hungry..
need food..sobs

Its so good to have a secret blog that no one knows
i can just RAMBLE on and on about stuff..this just shows how lonely i am..