![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
hmmm...i am hiding in my room..enjoying the warmth from the heater..and wishing that it could be even warmer than it is. well its really cold these days. temperatures have fallen off the charts to new lows..much alike the stock market and the economy in general..its a mighty cold winter. the weather forecast says that its gonna reach -8 degs next week..isn't that like...siberia?! this is the UK afterall..u expect mild winters a la maritime climate. whatever happened to that?!
and i am so lucky to be back in college early to receive the full brunt of it all. esp when on the coldest day ever i have to venture out of my hole to do my pfp in some hospital..NOT addies!! where is padworth?! help me..and i dont want to do pfp i hate pfp..i hate the cold
just to continue with the rant: omg i hate everything!! i must study REALLY hard these days..and finish my essays plus read up more abt my work..really need to buck up to get the results that i desperately need! if not i will really be in deep shit.
anyway i am really sick of everything. i have come to realise that..no one visits me! well i live here in college u know..just like everyone else. helllo world, i am alive?! maybe coz i am too selfish and self-centred that i have not made a single effort to be nice, hence this conclusion. but look, i am in no mood to be nice since i am quite stressed out this year. i really want this yr to be the turning point - to do well and to make something out of nothing - so that i can LEVEL UP. and perhaps earn myself a brighter future..my dreams are fading..my dream of becoming a top student here in school, of achieving academic excellence and a chance to get into a great specialty or go into academia, of perhaps flying to the states to practice or go to london and find a job..they all seem so distant at the moment. really need to buck up. i am so distracted by my own wandering mind..i need to wake up.
one thing that bothers me all the time. who am i? what do i want? who do i like? WHO likes me?
am i a bad person? i try to be nice but all i get is coldness. perhaps i am doing it all wrong? perhaps it is too inconsistent? but i hardly see everyone regularly. why this? coz i am not zai enough at the moment? perhaps i shud just stop thinking so much and just study my socks off for the next 10 days. and then pray that life gets better and better.
i am thinking of this guy..quite often..do i like him? but he is my BFF and only friend here! hahahaha dry laugh. shall i kill my only budding friendship by making him someone closer than a friend? this feels vaguely like junior college. well, i will attempt to be SLIGHTLY more friendly this term and be nice nice nice. see if the world is nice to me back. or if life is just too unkind.
i realise that all my past experiences collectively form who i am now. and it is true that the past will lead to the future in more direct ways than we realise. in fact i can almost see my entire life play before me without any doubt or suspense. i am just limited by my own past which haunts me like a bad dream. i need to study more psychology to find out more about this. it is quite interesting - maybe my calling is in psychology - i think.
just to end off this bizarre entry, dear diary/blog/weird pink webpage, i am a mess. i need to find my identity and niche. i was more clear-minded before university but right now, i think i lost track myself already. its like looking for a lost key in murky waters. i want to find out who i really am and what i want in my life. sometimes it just makes me so sad that i cant turn back time and heal the emotional wounds of my younger self. poor girl. bullied as a child. pushed too hard by parents. always doubting herself. always unsure of herself. always lying and always pretending to be someone she wants to be. i think this is quite an honest entry. one day, as my maturity catches up with my age, i wil be able to write to you more cogently and tell you who i really am.
now, back to my grand plan of a great comeback. i did it before once in jc i can do it now. effort :)
and i am so lucky to be back in college early to receive the full brunt of it all. esp when on the coldest day ever i have to venture out of my hole to do my pfp in some hospital..NOT addies!! where is padworth?! help me..and i dont want to do pfp i hate pfp..i hate the cold
just to continue with the rant: omg i hate everything!! i must study REALLY hard these days..and finish my essays plus read up more abt my work..really need to buck up to get the results that i desperately need! if not i will really be in deep shit.
anyway i am really sick of everything. i have come to realise that..no one visits me! well i live here in college u know..just like everyone else. helllo world, i am alive?! maybe coz i am too selfish and self-centred that i have not made a single effort to be nice, hence this conclusion. but look, i am in no mood to be nice since i am quite stressed out this year. i really want this yr to be the turning point - to do well and to make something out of nothing - so that i can LEVEL UP. and perhaps earn myself a brighter future..my dreams are fading..my dream of becoming a top student here in school, of achieving academic excellence and a chance to get into a great specialty or go into academia, of perhaps flying to the states to practice or go to london and find a job..they all seem so distant at the moment. really need to buck up. i am so distracted by my own wandering mind..i need to wake up.
one thing that bothers me all the time. who am i? what do i want? who do i like? WHO likes me?
am i a bad person? i try to be nice but all i get is coldness. perhaps i am doing it all wrong? perhaps it is too inconsistent? but i hardly see everyone regularly. why this? coz i am not zai enough at the moment? perhaps i shud just stop thinking so much and just study my socks off for the next 10 days. and then pray that life gets better and better.
i am thinking of this guy..quite often..do i like him? but he is my BFF and only friend here! hahahaha dry laugh. shall i kill my only budding friendship by making him someone closer than a friend? this feels vaguely like junior college. well, i will attempt to be SLIGHTLY more friendly this term and be nice nice nice. see if the world is nice to me back. or if life is just too unkind.
i realise that all my past experiences collectively form who i am now. and it is true that the past will lead to the future in more direct ways than we realise. in fact i can almost see my entire life play before me without any doubt or suspense. i am just limited by my own past which haunts me like a bad dream. i need to study more psychology to find out more about this. it is quite interesting - maybe my calling is in psychology - i think.
just to end off this bizarre entry, dear diary/blog/weird pink webpage, i am a mess. i need to find my identity and niche. i was more clear-minded before university but right now, i think i lost track myself already. its like looking for a lost key in murky waters. i want to find out who i really am and what i want in my life. sometimes it just makes me so sad that i cant turn back time and heal the emotional wounds of my younger self. poor girl. bullied as a child. pushed too hard by parents. always doubting herself. always unsure of herself. always lying and always pretending to be someone she wants to be. i think this is quite an honest entry. one day, as my maturity catches up with my age, i wil be able to write to you more cogently and tell you who i really am.
now, back to my grand plan of a great comeback. i did it before once in jc i can do it now. effort :)