undulatingdream

After a while

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 21:50:36 GMT

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

BLIND

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:46:31 GMT

blindingly obvious and i did not see or act correctly!
everything mum said came true..she shud stop prophecizing...
damn!!
i am going to study and not CARE abt any of this rubbish....
FIRST CLASS..just u wait..here i come :)
boys...shud just...move aside for now

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 01:50:02 GMT

really need someone to talk to me and cheer me on..
P is not enough. he is just barely human :P joking
i am sure if i had a 10 yr old brother..he can provide the same level of companionship as P can

LOL need. more. deeper. conversations. with. friends.
i really dunno if P is my friend or if he treats me like one.
i cant even tell if he likes me as a person...at times la
sometimes its so hard to read guys' thoughts..not like girls when u noe it if they like u
i want a friend whom i can whine to. L used to be the one i talk to all the time. but now he is prob out.
why cant guys be frens for life? why do they keep walking in and out. i guess most of them have an agenda.
i rest my case that there's no such thing as platonic relationships between boys and girls..
need to whine abt my hardwork and how it has not paid off just yet..
and tomorrow is gonna be a long day..plus the day after tomorrow as well. in fact this enire week is pure madness.!!!

i want time stretcher machine..or the clock that can turn back time..i want a boyfriend whom i can talk to..abt all my hopes fears and things that excite me, frighten me, touch me, inspire me, motivate me..all things bright and beautiful that you probably cannot ever see..or simple have no time/cant be bothered to notice.

at least i am done with pharm..now its back to work!!

to you two

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 01:36:56 GMT

i tried really hard but apparently my best is not enough..can only pray for ok results..
i miss u my family..although u can be annoying once in a tiny while..miss u mum and dad..
i will work hard and bring home good results this yr..i hope!!

can't wait for easter to see u again..

<333 u all forever

one day u will understand how much i enjoy spending time with u both..
and my hope is that i can earn a decent living so that u can enjoy the rest of ur lives..

we will live in a beautiful house with a big lawn..and u two can do anything u want with the house and the garden..
of coz we might not live together as well..but in any case..i will try my best to provide the best possible living environment for u two..
because u have showered me with love all through my childhood and teenagehood
i could not have asked for a more endearing and attentive pair of parents..but of coz there are downsides..

but i will only remember the good ones :) i love u both very much u two are most perfect in my eyes!
and i find myself so critical and antisocial at times..maybe because relative to u both..everyone else just sucks. =p
esp dad who is like the MOST perfect and gentle guy ever! mum is awesome too..she noes me inside out!!
thank you for supporting me in my studies and in all the good/bad decisions i have made..u two are awesome. and really when i am out here..i kinda miss talking to the both of u..and its so sweet that mum you call me every other day coz u miss me..no one will ever think abt me so much except the two of u..really quite touched at times la

in the future..we will live near each other no doubt..and mum ur dream house will be urs. plus one or two lovely grandkids..hopefully..
well its soooo early to tell..but i noe that we'd be happy..our future is bright and shinnnyyy..
and of coz we wld spend a lot of time together..don't worry too much abt now..i am just trying my best at this stage to do well for school
i have lost a yr's time..and this is the best chance i have to catch up..
once i graduate with a good med degree..and then specialise..our lives will be relatively stress-free..i can almost see the future it is within grasp..

hermit crab

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:54:59 GMT

hmmm...i am hiding in my room..enjoying the warmth from the heater..and wishing that it could be even warmer than it is. well its really cold these days. temperatures have fallen off the charts to new lows..much alike the stock market and the economy in general..its a mighty cold winter. the weather forecast says that its gonna reach -8 degs next week..isn't that like...siberia?! this is the UK afterall..u expect mild winters a la maritime climate. whatever happened to that?!

and i am so lucky to be back in college early to receive the full brunt of it all. esp when on the coldest day ever i have to venture out of my hole to do my pfp in some hospital..NOT addies!! where is padworth?! help me..and i dont want to do pfp i hate pfp..i hate the cold

just to continue with the rant: omg i hate everything!! i must study REALLY hard these days..and finish my essays plus read up more abt my work..really need to buck up to get the results that i desperately need! if not i will really be in deep shit.

anyway i am really sick of everything. i have come to realise that..no one visits me! well i live here in college u know..just like everyone else. helllo world, i am alive?! maybe coz i am too selfish and self-centred that i have not made a single effort to be nice, hence this conclusion. but look, i am in no mood to be nice since i am quite stressed out this year. i really want this yr to be the turning point - to do well and to make something out of nothing - so that i can LEVEL UP. and perhaps earn myself a brighter future..my dreams are fading..my dream of becoming a top student here in school, of achieving academic excellence and a chance to get into a great specialty or go into academia, of perhaps flying to the states to practice or go to london and find a job..they all seem so distant at the moment. really need to buck up. i am so distracted by my own wandering mind..i need to wake up.

one thing that bothers me all the time. who am i? what do i want? who do i like? WHO likes me?

am i a bad person? i try to be nice but all i get is coldness. perhaps i am doing it all wrong? perhaps it is too inconsistent? but i hardly see everyone regularly. why this? coz i am not zai enough at the moment? perhaps i shud just stop thinking so much and just study my socks off for the next 10 days. and then pray that life gets better and better.

i am thinking of this guy..quite often..do i like him? but he is my BFF and only friend here! hahahaha dry laugh. shall i kill my only budding friendship by making him someone closer than a friend? this feels vaguely like junior college. well, i will attempt to be SLIGHTLY more friendly this term and be nice nice nice. see if the world is nice to me back. or if life is just too unkind.

i realise that all my past experiences collectively form who i am now. and it is true that the past will lead to the future in more direct ways than we realise. in fact i can almost see my entire life play before me without any doubt or suspense. i am just limited by my own past which haunts me like a bad dream. i need to study more psychology to find out more about this. it is quite interesting - maybe my calling is in psychology - i think.

just to end off this bizarre entry, dear diary/blog/weird pink webpage, i am a mess. i need to find my identity and niche. i was more clear-minded before university but right now, i think i lost track myself already. its like looking for a lost key in murky waters. i want to find out who i really am and what i want in my life. sometimes it just makes me so sad that i cant turn back time and heal the emotional wounds of my younger self. poor girl. bullied as a child. pushed too hard by parents. always doubting herself. always unsure of herself. always lying and always pretending to be someone she wants to be. i think this is quite an honest entry. one day, as my maturity catches up with my age, i wil be able to write to you more cogently and tell you who i really am.

now, back to my grand plan of a great comeback. i did it before once in jc i can do it now. effort :)

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 16:27:30 GMT

.i never realised that i missed/needed home so much..its good to be back..at least now i feel SANE!
i dun feel like i am on the verge of a mental/physical breakdown..
i dun feel like crying or just running away
i dun fall sick anymore..and i dun starve myself anymore
i am more confident and talk more as well
generally..i feel good..i miss home....
maybe i shouldnt have left..i shouldnt have spent so much money..in that way i can save my parents so much money
and then we will all be happy in sg..i will pursue medicine and my parents will be less stressed
they would sell their flat and get a nice condo or even a terrace..hopefully..
and they wld enjoy life for once..after working hard for many years..

BUT NO!
i had to go there..and spend half a million..making them work hard for the next few years..and i am still slacking around
skipping lectures, practicals, dissections as if i am a genius
talking to ppl till late at night and thinking abt everything except studies
i am such a ingrate..such a terrible terrible person..
I SWEAR i will not continue this way..
i will study harder than ever..even if that means i will be more of a recluse than b4
i will stop talking to guys and flirting with random ppl as if i am so good..clearly i am not
i will make friends that are worthwhile and not waste my time going for stupid activities
and i swear..i will change..but then i am always so tired and dead..

God pls give me strength..i am your worst worst child..can i ask you for your forgiveness?
how can i pray to you for your forgiveness and grace..how can i feel you better..i can't seem to feel your presence..
i swear you were with me on my walks in the cold to the boat house..i swear you were by my side when i was ill
i swear you were watching when i lost my wallet..i swear you were there with me at all times but i am too ignorant to see that
i love you and praise you for your graciousness and your unconditional love for me..but i am such a terrible person..

i must set a target for myself..if not i will never achieve anything and instead lose all that i have ever received..
1. study 5 hours a day at least (school term) and 8 hours (hols)
2. online for at most an hour
3. going out for activities no more than 3 times a week (cg, formals, dance)
4. prepare for lectures, practicals and supervisions - no more skipping lectures etc
5. do not procrastinate doing essays and other work - finish well ahead of deadline - and no more copying from wiki
6. do extra reading and studying on the diff subjects and compile relevant notes!!!!
7. have some quiet time everyday to pray and read the Bible
8. treat my parents better and care for them..
9. stop going out so much with friends..make new friends esp with neighbours
10. do well for my tests and steepleC hopefully
11. treat myself better..eat well..sleep early..be clean and tidy..dress better
12. be happier :):) even if everything seems bad
13. not waste money..spend less!!!!

that's abt all i am gonna wish for in L term..i will add to the wishlist if possible..i will start acting from this moment on!! please let me be successful in executing that!!!

and stop thinking about boys..its such useless thoughts..get on with life and accept who you are and where you came from..do not pretend to be someone you are not..

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 07:27:50 GMT

bleak prospects ahead..i must get everything straight..i miss my family..i must study hard because i have no choice..
1. we are poor (can't really afford a cam education but i am too insistent on coming)
2. we are not native to the country..no family background no nothing
3. thats enough reason for me to work my socks off..but still i must add..i am not cool
4. i am not very smart
5. i am too thin..not hot
6. i am too lazy/selfish
7. too vain too superficial..forgot abt ur grand plans?
8. you don't belong to this social class..go home and sweep the floor
9. not a true believer..thats almost a sin

can't get enough reasons to lay low..but then again..i can never stand not being in the spotlight or near to the happy crowd..JUST want to blend in so much..so useless..too weak in spirit..please can God help me get out of this really bad phase..really need a break from this trend..

who would want to be my friend. for everything i appear to be (that might attract them) is just a facade. except do not forget i have a heart, passion, love, thoughts, intelligence and more..i want you all to like me for who i am (though who i am is not too likable) not for what i appear to be (rich, cool, sg) which i am not at all. if you would look below the surface, just by staring a lil harder, you will see me as myself, and i pray for some one lovely to find that "me". you will see a girl who is super insecure, quite bright, insightful, friendly, optimistic, forgiving, and loyal. you will see some girl that you would not mind spending your life with, because she would be grateful to be appreciated and understood. .

why not just embrace ur inner self? what's stopping you? Maybe..vanity again..why do i pretend. to be who i am not..i am going schizo

D, J, P, Bk, Yc, Vk, K, N so many that i got to know..but then..none will be the one..how many more ppl will walk into my life? none perhaps..i am just going to forget abt all my pain..and press on...and what abt L, M and who else..no chance too..haha

this is such a messy entry..

don't feel anything for anyone..you are so not falling into the same cycles over again

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 07:05:38 GMT

und

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 00:00:22 GMT

i dunno why but life isn't going well at all..i miss home..
i feel so moody everyday..as if my life has gone terribly wrong..in fact it has..
for one thing..i have not made many friends in this new country..in fact i feel like an antisocial piece of crap..
secondly..i have absolutely no motivation to study..partly due to reason 1..
thirdly..i hate myself for being so vain at times and for doing everything that i shouldn't do..
i hate myself for being so desperate..so weird..so antisocial..so unbelievably selfish..
i feel like crying everytime i think about my parents and how they are working so hard to support me in my studies..
it really hurts me quite a lot to think abt all that..
i wish i can just turn back time and make a different decision..e.g. not come to this place..
i wish i can get my old life back..and be happy with all that i have got..i miss everyone so much
i don't want to stay here..
i hate myself for not recognising who i am..and for being such a disgusting person..

The next phase of my life

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 10:49:34 GMT

Well I am about to embark on what is know as the "best time of your life" well really hoping that it will be as good as it sounds! shrugs..i have severe doubts on that but lets see how things turn out!

Really am dying to go overseas for reason number one is that i want to live independently so badly instead of being terrorized and controlled by my dear mum all dayyy..can't imgine having to stay in singapore for uni..it will be almost a recipe for disaster, either family tragedy or self distruction. anyway this reason alone is enough to send me scurrying for the departure gate at changi airport..well seriously i dun dislike them at all, its just that no one can endure the kind of life that i am leading, and my lack of freedom and choice.

guess i am heading for a tough time at cambridge but oh well life sucks anyway and it beats living here any day! my college mates all seem pretty nice and well personally i am rather worried about social acceptance..as i surveyed my batch of school mates i don't know the exact niche i belong to..so maybe i will be a loner or drifter..who cares..all i care about is bringing home the degree and maybe a good guy =) but the latter is slightly more difficult than the former..well blame it on my height..still cant find anything good about being so tall except for reaching out for top shelves, breathing fresher air and getting noticed/caught sooner than others..apart from that my height brings about several calamities e.g. bad posture, lack of suitable clothes and the worst of all - lack of choices of guys! darn..i can only oogle at nice guys who are shorter than me..and knowing that the height difference is insurmountable..sadly..so..height makes me less chio also right..coz less guys can choose me so general opinion and market demand will drop..causing my appeal factor to drop too..

then why are models all so hot..must find out what it is about them that i lack

that aside, i am feeling very tired at trying to make new friends at every single new social event or gathering..it is getting wayy out of my capacity and i really just want to relax and talk to those that i am more familiar with..wonder what will life be like if i go overseas..probably even worse since i will be totally new there..

Home sweet home

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 09:05:45 GMT

If I could start over again, I would choose a more carefree life..a life that some may find mediocre and ordinary. But that's the life that I would ever want.

I would tell my parents not to come here. Stay where they are most comfortable and just chill out. I will just be an ordinary girl who is staying and not just passing by; a local instead of a new-comer; permanent instead of transitory. I want to feel safe and at ease, and not being jittery and worried about social acceptance and peer recognition. Then I would be able to proudly proclaim my home as my real home, instead of a surrogate home that only allows me temporary reprieve. I want to love (wholeheartedly) my folks and my people and the soil I am standing on, not being ambivalent about it and feel torn about where to place my loyalty. And even if I place my love and loyalty in this new country, how many people truly feel that I am a part of them? I do not need to feel totally included, I just hope to find a landing spot where I can be entirely at ease. I love this place and I yearn to disappear into the crowds and blend in..to be embraced and accepted as one of them. What more should I do to just be normal?

Or maybe I should have stayed at my old home, the place that I was born and bred. But I have gone too far and it's impossible to go back to where I came from, unless I turn back time.

This discussion is a waste of time. I should look ahead. Afterall, I am leaving this place also, and it will be a long time before I return. Perhaps, I wouldn't return to this place.

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 10:20:10 GMT

hehe

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 10:16:58 GMT

hobbies

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 05:45:51 GMT

if there were any regrets that I have, it would be my hobbies that I have given up.
I have always believed in the idea that I had absolutely no talent in ballet, and therefore I should be not very good at it..
It's true. I have a tight Archilles tendon and probably hamstring as well, not to mention mild genu valgum at the knees and slight internal rotation of the hips..What's more I am too tall (and have a poor posture) to be a ballerina and I have no arch at all at my feet! all that problems compounded to give me a very difficult and trying time at ballet..
furthermore, I am a very lazy person :P who can't really take the inhuman stretching exercises and the only time I stretch is probably before my lesson..
but how I love the dance..I enjoy watching it, listening to the music, basking in the beauty of it! and learning it also gives me joy..but I can't excel in it at all even after 11 years of learning..each step and movement don't come to me naturally..I have to be taught, practise and corrected by my teacher in order to master each new step..How sad..

But I love it nonetheless. I can't help but to feel a sense of loss that when I go overseas, it is unlikely that I will continue with my lessons :( Afterall, studies come first..but I will always feel this affinity towards ballet, which is arguably the most difficult and most precise dance ever..

Another thing will be piano..now I don't have enough time to talk about it but I know that i have slightly more talent in piano than ballet but sadly I am still very lazy and practise very little..haha therefore I barely passed my grade 8 (clearly talent alone wasn't enough) I do hope that I can put in more effort and become more dexterious in my fingerwork..maybe one day I can finally master some real masterpieces..did I tell you that I love music very much also? :):)

LOL now I sound quite loser..but nobody knows anyway! its not a sin to fail or to suck at something right? anyway i don't suck THAT much la I am just too modest :D

haha enough rubbish I got to go! what is exanimate?!?!

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 06:08:39 GMT

And once in a while i think about all of them..all these people who have once walked carelessly into my lives and made me an entirely different person =)
life will go on but the indelible marks that these people have left behind will never be forgotten by me..it applies to you, you, you, you and yes you also..all of you..

I am sounding like some sentimental old woman..that's it MAN no more no more..
this is utterly loserish and disgusting
clearly i am still immature as before..I totally don't sound anything like a 20 year old
WHAT THE SHIT..

GROSS GROSS GROSS..

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 11:28:29 GMT

i think i should read up more before i leave :)
i am gonna try and read books from the list of top 100 greatest books
no 1. don quixote
god its uber long..can i skip that book..
maybe i will read the no 2..which should be much shorter..although i forgot what it was

i went out with my dear friend today and we had quite a good time..
although my stomach has been feeling really odd ever since i drank that damned bubble tea
we went window shopping and saw many nice clothes which were on sale :) but bought none haha
and then we nourished our intellectual minds by visiting the book shop..and read some nonsense book on random facts which i do not want to reveal to this blog ;)
and of coz before that we had a good lunch at bakerzinc yum yum..
i miss the good ol' school days..esp in secondary school..when everything seems to revolve around food and play and a bit of work
some how i am not looking forward to university life..perhaps its good to have low expectations..
i can never be disappointed :)

oh yes i am supposed to read this book called..the greatest benefit to mankind :) about the history of medicine..
coolio all i know abt ancient medicine is hippocratus and erm..TCM :P
lolz i will go read up that book..it should be quite interesting...
hopefully i will stay happy and contented about life forever..
my stomach is still grumbling..sigh i think i should never touch bubble tea anymore..

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 10:09:54 GMT

Before I go and bathe, I will just say a few more things..
everything on this blog has been about university choice and my own dilemmas
this is so utterly boring that i appear to be a total conceited geek
wait a moment..that's true
=P
no honestly, I do not know the definition of having a life..

does having a life mean that I have to go travelling, shopping, clubbing and dating guys?
or does it mean I have to be involved in charitable activities and organising meaningful stuff?
does it mean that I must be politically active and talk about world issues on my blog?
if this is so..i am indeed a lifeless piece of junk that deserve to be kicked out of lj =P

i do have a life anyway..my heart is beating mighty efficiently, and I am breathing mighty well
i feel that I'm in tip-top condition =) so i have a mighty fine life..
but my mind is in a mess and it is a wasteland
a really large expanse of wasteland that it gets lost in itself

anyway I have been doing lots of shopping with my mum and dad
bought winter clothes, some formal wear and a gown :)
i feel like such a spendthrift already although technically i didn't spend a single cent
now now..i should give more tuition jobs so I can repay them..
oh by the way I do hope I can pass my driving at the first try

and I am procrastinating about applying for visa, booking of flight tickets, medical check-ups and reading up on the preparatory reading materials
SIGH I AM TIRED and no one cares really..yawns good bye I am going to bathe and feed myself something edible i can find in the fridge.

Auf wiedersehen my silent blog..

rosy and ugly

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 09:48:28 GMT

in my sleeping dreams it all falls apart
in my waking dreams there is no "it" and hence no "apart"

And I was so happy to be free from work a few days ago and now I am dying of boredom and restlessness
maybe I really ought to keep myself busy all the time so that my mind will not wander too much
what is on my mind right now? I don't quite know it myself..all I know that i am befuddled obfuscated and absolutely bewildered
now I really want to have the peace of mind to know that what I am doing now is correct..and the risk that I am taking is not too risky =/
it seems that I have no sense of responsibility and I am the greatest procrastinator in the entire world
now those personal traits don't exactly make a good physician, do they
i must try to eradicate those negative traits and expel all negative thoughts (can you feel my aura of positivity?)
This is something that i have wanted to do all my life..isnt it..and hence i should not doubt myself and my own intentions at all
but again, I know that vanity played a small part in influencing my decision..
and that is quite horrifying..especially to think that in order to satisfy this small vanity of mine, I have to give up my stake on every other form of vanity
if you know what I mean..its an entirely different level altogether
while my peers can enjoy life to the fullest..I will slog on and persevere in an attempt to bring home the glory and the degree..
a honorable degree that is matched by an equally respectable amount of school fees..how befitting =(
i feel ashamed that until this day, I am still depending on my parents to foot for my school fees and living expenses..
i am so useless! -.-

I think I worry too much and I am way too self-centred..
and by the way if you havent noticed
I am a weird person :(

I really miss those days when I was younger and more childish
somehow the world seemed more perfect and everything was rosier..
the word "rosy" is so sweet..just like how some words are really ugly..like.."ugly"
or is it just my perception? I am being incoherent =X

maybe this is because I am hungry..
need food..sobs

Its so good to have a secret blog that no one knows
i can just RAMBLE on and on about stuff..this just shows how lonely i am..

On self discovery

Fri, 18 May 2007 18:00:44 GMT

just a random thought:
life exists in two separate phases for a girl (eg ME)
before and after she has discovered that she had a big nose
or any other unsatisfactory facial attribute..well at least it works for me..

a long and tiring day

Fri, 18 May 2007 17:54:15 GMT

today was another memorable day..spent my entire day worrying about my interview which turned out rather bad
^%&$*^*#%^$#*^(# stupid TCM and F1 racing
and then...and then i spent so much on cab fare that i taught tuition for nothing today..
expenditure = income => net gain = $0
and then a very good piece of news came to me at night..and the last uncertainty in my life has been removed :)
feeling happy is an understatement
it is relief encouragement joy elation excitement calmness all rolled into one
and this is my final reward..for the gruelling education that i received and for my own unforgivingly high self-expectations which i never quite achieved
i guess it all pays off and this is my sweet sweet reward..all for me myself to savour and enjoy
i will be a happy girl for one night and tomorrow its back to tuition and my old boring life
and my parents will then start another debate on why i should stay..wait..didnt they try to coerce me into taking a scholarship to go overseas just a few days ago? now they are like wanting me to stay so badly

i guess this is just the beginning of something exciting - or dreary - who knows for sure..
thank you God..please dont let this be a dream!

Fri, 18 May 2007 02:51:42 GMT

sometimes i find myself very odd..as in peculiar and weird..totally
like what I have said, I can't find a group or place that I fit in well..i am at odds with the rest of them
and the rest of them refer to virtually everyone..
i find myself being a perfectly normal girl at times..with the same wants and desires as a normal person
to look pretty to dress up and attract attention from boys and to make lots of friends..
then to find a fairly promising job and have a great social life and get a great guy to spend my life with
yet at times when I ask myself and when my stirring soul settles down
i fee as if i wasn't about to live in such a mundane fashion
i wish and yearn to do something extra..to experience the meaning of life in its rawest and most pristine form

i wish to leave our world feeling satisfied that i have made it a little more human-like and beautiful than before
i just want to lead a deeper life..you know..live and experience all the joys, sorrows, pain, suffering, grief, anger, satisfaction etc that the life brings..
for what is living if the heart is shunted from all emotions
what is living when dreams are dictated by the norms of the society and your life is a replica of another girl's
i yearn to lead a life beyond mere existence - to live like a real human being
i want to make a difference to the world..but yet i don't possess the personality that stands out from others
i cant inspire and touch others with beautiful words or a beautiful soul..
i cant move others with sublime skills in whatever artistic or sports or scientific field
i dont possess the vigour and drive to be a superwoman
i am not a dreamer..unless you consider this to be a dream..
i am made an ordinary person..perhaps smartness and a habit for introspection are my only attributes..

i find myself at the crossroads of my life..my selfishness and greed told me that I should go for the best choice that I have..yet i am afraid that i cant live to the expectations of myself and others..

tell me..why are we so susceptible to vanity..i see my peers and i find myself further and further away from their league..when our goals are so different..how can we remain on the same path?

Sun, 06 May 2007 13:17:49 GMT

what do i want in my life?
i cant find the right path..i cant find my calling i cant find anything!
everyone knows his or her position in the society and everyone knows which path to take..
but i am lost..stuck in this quagmire..i cant find the words to describe how i feel..
it is so hard to know what exactly i want..when i have not experienced anything before..

all i know is that..i am not happy at all..
i have never really been happy with anything in my life. it seems to me that i am a deeply unhappy and unsatisfied person, but the source of my unhappiness or dissatisfaction still eludes me..
perhaps it's my parents, who places such undue stress on me that i feel that i am always burdened with emotional and psychological baggages as i move along..if indeed so, then no one can blame me for being so moody.

perhaps its just me..my own self-indulging vanity has never quite been satisfied..i am not rich, polished, pretty, trendy..i am just an average and smart girl who try her best to remove herself from her current social setting to somewhere better..but never quite fit in anywhere..hmmm i am just crapping la..basically i am quite a happy person, just that i am not feeling happy lately coz of relationship problems.

oh yes..why are we so easily affected by what others say?? sigh i want to be stronger..pls god give me strength from within :(

:)

Sat, 05 May 2007 05:19:49 GMT

=)

Sat, 05 May 2007 05:10:28 GMT

tell me a place more beautiful than this..

dear diary

Fri, 04 May 2007 18:10:08 GMT

sadly at night i will think about all my inadequacies and my failures in yesteryears
the many occasions where i have been cast aside and neglected..
the many painful memories of being unliked, snubbed and treated coldly..
my many regrets and wishes that are not fulfilled..which will never be
my many hopes and desires for what i never possessed
my wish to be someone i am not..or someone i have no courage to become
and all the.."what-it-could-have-been"s

and my endless and exaggerated hopes for a better...tomorrow
far-fetched and idealistic and perfect dreams..
at least no one can burst my bubble of hope..at least not now..

on a night like this..i sometimes wonder..what did i do right?
and where did i go wrong..